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Chopin Nocturne #2

A breath.

She lays a her hand down, a caress on inhale, and tentatively pushes the key in. Memory returns, an ebbing tide revealing the silver sand below. Her left hand joins, just as hesitant, with kisses of its own. Fingertips dance, butterflies against the white ivory. The memory continues until discord; the sound sharpens and flattens, falling upon deaf tones, and the echo in the room clatters to a halt. She breathes out, remembering to cycle. Her hand strokes the surface before rippling and trying the refrain again and then again.

She is a ghost hovering over the polished black wood, white reflection staring back at her. Sad eyes lose themselves to the varnish and silver bolts that hold the pieces together, into the swirling cords and vibrations the piano harbors. All the thoughts that raged in her head cease. Peace settles like a leaf upon water's surface. Her hands play on passed the troubled refrain.

She plays wordlessly.

Her eyes have closed,
Her breath held in fermata,
the trills and tails of sound following after.

In through the nose and out through the mouth;
You'll keep tempo better.

The piece flows like a paper boat. The brook suspends it ,eddying about in circles; it teeters at the edge for a moment and sails off with a dance, only to be caught again.

The final chords are struck lavishly, satin and velveteen sounds.

Tears sit like birds in her eyes, ready to take off;
Why do I do this to myself?

One of many pieces of fiction that have been hiding in my documents folder for memories and resolutions contest by Inspire the Uninspired

-I used to play piano like I drank water. I miss it and am now making a financial plan to afford my own. My own recollection and resolution
Vision: This piece serves to paint a picture and focuses on a moment and convey an emotion/mood/experience. As far as that goes, it is beautiful in its honest simple message. But it won't be a pioneer of new ways of thinking or writing.

Originality: It is honest and sincere. Personally, I'm less concerned about originality of content (because if we're honest almost EVERYTHING has already been done) and more concerned about originality of writing method/style. Although you won't be the first to weave of music into imagery of nature, you've done it well and the way its written isn't boring, tired or worn out.

Technique: I thought that you had some questionable grammar at times (unless of course it was deliberate, in which case *mind blown* and I apologize). There were a couple of sentences (or parenthetical remarks) that could be teased out to flow better. You could perhaps make use of images and sentences in which you had laid the ground work for in the beginning instead of starting new concepts which each new comparison. Perhaps a stronger or more obvious running theme as well.

Impact: Very strong impact. Brilliant imagery. Beautiful description. Good sense of over all timing. I liked the mix of poetry styled stanzas within the prose.


"The memory continues until discord;" - If the use of grammatical incorrectness (or incompleteness of the sentence) is deliberate in order emphasize discord then incredibly well done. Perhaps there is another way to write it though.

"Her eyes have closed, Her breath held in fermata," - Query on the grammar. Her eyes close? or Her breath is held in fermata? (Trivial suggestion really).

Perhaps link this sentence "Peace settles like a leaf upon water's surface" with "The piece flows like a paper boat". The two images are quite similar and linking the two will show continuity, harmony and a sense that it is coming together by running the image through the piece.

Perhaps a theme which is more focused. I noticed the beginning has the sea, then butterflies, ivory, ghosts, water, birds. Perhaps the ocean, the garden, the stream/river. Obviously, each will change the mood slightly but the piece might be too scattered.

General comments:

Strengths - Very strong piece. Your strength lies in imagery, similes, metaphors and have great choice of descriptive words. Furthermore you've got good overall timing. Most importantly, you write honestly and sincerely and that goes a long way.

Weaknesses - Some uncertainty about your grammar (or its trade off for effect). You sometimes run sentences into each other which can also mess with the grammar and the flow of the piece.

Suggestions - Although I really enjoy the imagery and you are very good at it, perhaps if there was more of a running theme? Extended metaphors, images or similes perhaps? By making separate and individual images/comparisons, each new concept is forced to stand on its own and create a new idea instead of building onto what aspects it already has in the previous descriptions.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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Kymira12 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello *CaptivationRequired

On behalf of #InspireTheUninspired we would like to congratulate you on being Featured within our group. Please take a look when you have time and support your fellow artists :aww:

Keep writing and inspiring! 

CaptivationRequired Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Student Filmographer
:') Thank you so much
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Submitted on
December 22, 2012
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