Critique Observations in a Day by CaptivationRequired

My usual disclaimers, I am not a trained or degreed writer nor am I an experienced critic; I write, read voraciously, and speak aloud what I see to confuse strangers.

Observations in a Day is one of many pieces of writing by Yazmine that I have read. I was first attracted to her work by a short story piece, part of a series she had done, dealing with a murderous, vengeful young woman. What had most attracted me to that particular piece was the detailed description Yazmine had produced regarding the blood flow and tracking of blood upon cement stairs and an asphalt surfaced street.

Observations in a Day, as described by the author, is a free verse poem describing the passage of time for a single daylight sequence from dawn until nightfall in five quatrain stanzas. As free verse there is no requirement for foot, meter or rhyme scheme; however the author establishes, within each stanza, a flow through internal echo rhymes of consonance and sibilance. Each stanza describes, visually and emotionally that portion of the day, and what visual cues to emotional reactions flagged it for her remembrance. A desert dweller, as I was for many years, the author describes, delightfully the things that make that world a unique experience; I found myself drawn back to it through her rich use of color, sensation, and smell.

The poetry she uses to describe her internal state with each step through her day is piercing and moving; in describing drooped flowers she creates a surrealistic translation from the flowers to her mental state in stanza two:

“Sun painted shoulders bent over
scrabbled thoughts, jittered words,
vermilion petals twisted ugly in
overgrowth, a pity.”

In stanza three, she combines items, attributes, and states as I have rarely seen done, and does so vividly:

“… a pollution blue dress.
Dusky hue like a velvet sandstorm
that crackles bone dry”

Those readers who know the desert South West of the Americas can feel the static charge that builds hard and hot in those afternoons beneath that deepening clear blue sky.

She uses delicious imagery to paint the setting sun and its offered escape from the magnifying glass brightness of the day and the emotional pending blackness of night:

“Evening is relief.
Pastel oil paints smear
… into a coal storm”

The author and I have spoken frequently about the use of detailed descriptions in written works; something we both enjoy producing and reading in others. You have taken a huge step into that world we both desire with this work Yazmine; it is a wonderful, work to read and speak aloud, echoing and haunting in its rich combination of sensations and emotions.

I note only one small issue with the piece, the inconsistent use of punctuation; and I recognize that that may be intentional. In places, separations are created by naturally placed punctuation marks “,”s and “.”s, and in others omitted. The ending line of the final stanza, I particularly enjoy, whether intentional or accidental, the lack of a “.”, and found that long ending drift of the “m” in storm as it is held wonderful.

Congratulations on another fine work Yazmine and on many steps taken with it in your progress to your goals. Thank you for posting this piece now favored and featured.